A friend calls to his colleague.
- Man, my car was stolen yesterday!
- Did you call the police? - asks a colleague.
- Sure. They said it was not them. (they didn't steal it ;)
- Man, my car was stolen yesterday!
- Did you call the police? - asks a colleague.
- Sure. They said it was not them. (they didn't steal it ;)
At the police station two breathless boys come running and screaming:
- Our teacher ... Our teacher ...!
Finally, one of the officers asks:
- What's wrong with him? Had an accident?
- No. Wrong parked!
- Our teacher ... Our teacher ...!
Finally, one of the officers asks:
- What's wrong with him? Had an accident?
- No. Wrong parked!
The policeman stops a speeding motorcyclist. Motorcyclist asks:
- Whaaat? I was driving too fast again?
- No, no. You flew too low.
- Whaaat? I was driving too fast again?
- No, no. You flew too low.
Driver was caught by the police without a license. He justifies himself before the policeman:
- Officer, it's all becouse I'm so forgetful.
- And what ... You forgot to take a driver's license?
- No, I forgot that here are usualy the controls.
- Officer, it's all becouse I'm so forgetful.
- And what ... You forgot to take a driver's license?
- No, I forgot that here are usualy the controls.
- You drove at a speed of 100 km/h. Did you not realized that you may collide with another car?
- With another car? On the pavement?
- With another car? On the pavement?
The police officer stops the blonde and says:
- You got a flat tire in the front wheel.
The blonde looks out of the window and says:
- It’s only at the bottom.
- You got a flat tire in the front wheel.
The blonde looks out of the window and says:
- It’s only at the bottom.
A police officer is waving in order to give the blonde a fine.
She stops and asks: - Do you want me to give you a lift?"
She stops and asks: - Do you want me to give you a lift?"
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. I can't do that, officer . Why not? Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube. Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station. Can't do that either, officer. Why not? Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup . Alright, we could get a blood sample . Can't do that either, officer. Why not? Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die. Fine then, just walk this white line. Can't do that either, officer. Why not? Because I'm drunk.
Carabinieri are usually considered to be stupid although they work hard to protect Italian citizens.
A carabiniere to his colleague: Look! A dead bird!
And the other carabiniere looking at the sky: Where?
A policeman's son came back home from school with a bad mark and his father started shouting "You are stupid, ignorant, really dumb" (knocking on the table) and the son: "Dad, somebody knocked at the door" - "you wait here, I'll go."
A prisoner broke out of the carabinieri's jail. Their captain is furious: I had told you had to control all ways out! And you?!?!
-But mr captain... He fled through the entrance!
-But mr captain... He fled through the entrance!
A carabiniere to his son: But tell me! Why do you think that Father Christmas has almond-eyes?
Beacause all the toys he brought are all made in China!
Beacause all the toys he brought are all made in China!
Why do Carabinieri wear trousers with red stripes?
So they are not mistaken when
So they are not mistaken when
Do you know why carabinieri smile when it's stormy and lightning?
Because they think they are flashed by aphotographer!!
Because they think they are flashed by aphotographer!!
Two police in front of the mirror:
-Look...two colleagues! Let's go and say hello to them!
The other:
-Stop... Can't you see they are coming?
-Look...two colleagues! Let's go and say hello to them!
The other:
-Stop... Can't you see they are coming?
TOTTI AND CARABINIERI
FRANCESCO TOTTI IS DRIVING HIS PORSCHE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN A POLICEMAN STOPS HIM.
THE CARABINIERE ASKS: " PLS YOUR DRIVING LICENSE!! SIR YOU'LL GET A FINE !!"
TOTTI REPLIES" SORRY? WHY??"
THE CARABINIERE: " YOU'RE CARRYING A DOG ON THE FRONT SEAT!"
TOTTI "BUT , CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S A PELOUCHE?!"
THE CARABINIERE:" THE BREED DOESN'T MATTER!!!"
FRANCESCO TOTTI IS DRIVING HIS PORSCHE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN A POLICEMAN STOPS HIM.
THE CARABINIERE ASKS: " PLS YOUR DRIVING LICENSE!! SIR YOU'LL GET A FINE !!"
TOTTI REPLIES" SORRY? WHY??"
THE CARABINIERE: " YOU'RE CARRYING A DOG ON THE FRONT SEAT!"
TOTTI "BUT , CAN'T YOU SEE IT'S A PELOUCHE?!"
THE CARABINIERE:" THE BREED DOESN'T MATTER!!!"
"Police Station in the Country"
One day the marshal has to be absent and leave the various tasks for the day to the policeman.
M:“oh another thing, policeman! If you have some time try to remove the mole which is in the garden. It is destroying everything!”
PM:“don’t worry, marshal, I think”
The marshal returns to the police station in the evening and asks:
M:“policeman, all right?”
PM:“all quiet, marshal. Nothing happened and I also removed the mole!”
M:“good! How did you do? With the poison?”
PM:“no no marshal, more”
M:“come on exaggerated, you fired it?”
PM:“no no marshal, more. I buried it ALIVE!”
M:“oh another thing, policeman! If you have some time try to remove the mole which is in the garden. It is destroying everything!”
PM:“don’t worry, marshal, I think”
The marshal returns to the police station in the evening and asks:
M:“policeman, all right?”
PM:“all quiet, marshal. Nothing happened and I also removed the mole!”
M:“good! How did you do? With the poison?”
PM:“no no marshal, more”
M:“come on exaggerated, you fired it?”
PM:“no no marshal, more. I buried it ALIVE!”
Fireee!
In the course of the police an instructor is explaining the operation of the machine gun: the instructor explains the operation of a switch with two positions:
- S, Single Shot, A, automatic.
The next day, he tries to ask some questions:
- What does it mean if I put the lever on the A?
And the recruit undecided:
- Ehmmm, ... A BURST!
- S, Single Shot, A, automatic.
The next day, he tries to ask some questions:
- What does it mean if I put the lever on the A?
And the recruit undecided:
- Ehmmm, ... A BURST!
Two Policemen at a Station
While awaiting for the departure of their train, the Policemen see that on another train there are two railwaymen, one at the head and snother at the tail of the train, and wave (giving signals „OK to start“)
The Policemen are amused and one of them comments: “And they make jokes about us! They take the same train and greet!“
The Policemen are amused and one of them comments: “And they make jokes about us! They take the same train and greet!“
The Police have their slogan written on their cars: Help and Protect. They mostly do, but . . .
A Policeman and a Bridge
A man is driving a truck alog a road. He badly estimates the height of a bridge and gets stuck under it. After the accident a policeman comes and says:
“You got stuck under this bridge!?“
And the driver replies:
“You fool, I am transporting this bridge and I got off the fuel.“
“Aha.“
“You got stuck under this bridge!?“
And the driver replies:
“You fool, I am transporting this bridge and I got off the fuel.“
“Aha.“
A Policeman in a Bush
A driver said to a policeman who stopped him to fine for high speed: “If you didn’t hide in the bush, everybody would drive slowly!
99% of Police Jokes
Each Policeman minds the jokes on the Police.
Some of them think: „People tell so many jokes about us. But there is no problem, 99% of them are unintelligible.
Some of them think: „People tell so many jokes about us. But there is no problem, 99% of them are unintelligible.
God is my witness
A policeman stops a car and says to the driver: “You drank!
No, God is my witness!
OK! We will see! Get you both off the car!
No, God is my witness!
OK! We will see! Get you both off the car!
Silvester on Friday
Two policemen are talking about the end of the year:
“Do you know that Silvester this year in on Friday?“
“OK! Bot I hope not on the 13th!“
“Do you know that Silvester this year in on Friday?“
“OK! Bot I hope not on the 13th!“
90km/h in the town
A policeman stops a car and says:
“You have driven in the town at the speed of 90km in one hour!“
“That’s impossible, I haven’t been driving so long, sir!“
“And how long have you been driving?“
“About ten minutes!“
“I see, probably, our measuring instrument has gone off. Sorry, continue your journey!“
“You have driven in the town at the speed of 90km in one hour!“
“That’s impossible, I haven’t been driving so long, sir!“
“And how long have you been driving?“
“About ten minutes!“
“I see, probably, our measuring instrument has gone off. Sorry, continue your journey!“
Policemen and Money
What is the difference between the Policemen and money?
None! When you need them, you cant find them.
None! When you need them, you cant find them.
An Intersection Crossed on the Red Light
A driver went across an intersection on the red light. Then he sees a police car behind. The police overtook him, stops him and a policeman says:
“Did you see the red light?“
“Oh, yes I did, but I didn’t see you!“
“Did you see the red light?“
“Oh, yes I did, but I didn’t see you!“
A Dog Driver
The Policemen stopped a car being driven by a St.Bernard’s dog.
“Are you mad, to let the dog drive?“ they asked the man sitting in the car.
“I am not guilty, I am just a hitchhiker!“
“Are you mad, to let the dog drive?“ they asked the man sitting in the car.
“I am not guilty, I am just a hitchhiker!“
Asleep after Three
A policeman opens his heart to another saying: “You know it’s terrible, all the violence, murders, . . . “
“Try it as I do. I count till three and then I fall asleep.“
“To so few?“
“Well, to be frank, sometimes till half past three!“
“Try it as I do. I count till three and then I fall asleep.“
“To so few?“
“Well, to be frank, sometimes till half past three!“