Three turtles were going through the desert carrying a watermelon. Terribly tired they stopped. Suddenly, one turtle said:
- Guys, I'm hungry.
The other turtle answered:
- We don't have any water, and eating without water is pointless!
- Wait here. I’ll go for water, but don't eat the watermelon!
The turtles waited ... and waited ... 3 years passed. Then one said to the other:
-Stefan, Mietek will probably never return!
They’d cut the watermelon when suddenly from behind bushes the third turtle jumped and said:
- Don’t eat the watermelon or I will not go for the water!
. A crocodile wants to get divorced with its wife. He gets a phone and calls:
- Excuse me, is this a factory of leather bags?
- Excuse me, is this a factory of leather bags?
Two rats are eating a film.
- A good film – says one of them.
- Yes – the other answers - but the book was better.
- A good film – says one of them.
- Yes – the other answers - but the book was better.
. Two blind horses are talking. One says to the other:
- Shall we go for a walk?
- I can see no obstacles
- Shall we go for a walk?
- I can see no obstacles
A small fish saw a submarine. Terrified it says to its mum:
- I am afraid! See what there is.
- Calm down, these are only people in a tin.
- I am afraid! See what there is.
- Calm down, these are only people in a tin.
Two wolves are howling to the moon and suddenly one asks the other:
- What do you think? Does somebody live on the moon?
- Sure, after all every day there is a light on.
- What do you think? Does somebody live on the moon?
- Sure, after all every day there is a light on.
A snail’s mum says to her children:
- Go down the way, because the bus is arriving in three hours.
- Go down the way, because the bus is arriving in three hours.
. A small dinosaur asks his mum:
- Mum, when I die will I go to heaven?
- No, you won’t son. You’ll go to the museum...
- Mum, when I die will I go to heaven?
- No, you won’t son. You’ll go to the museum...
What do you give to an elephant with big feet? Plenty of room!
What happened to the cat that swallowed a hank of wool? She had mittens.
Why is there a crab in prison? Because he kept pinching things!
What goes up slowly and comes down quickly? An elephant in a lift.
Why do birds fly south for winter? Because it’s too far to walk.
- Tom, can you spell the word "mouse"?
- M - O - U - ...
- Good, but what's at the end?
- A tail.
- M - O - U - ...
- Good, but what's at the end?
- A tail.
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, `Take that sheep to the zoo, now.`
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, `What on earth are you doing with that sheep?`
The guy says, `What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I`m taking him to the movies.`
The policeman said, `Take that sheep to the zoo, now.`
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, `What on earth are you doing with that sheep?`
The guy says, `What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I`m taking him to the movies.`
HOW GOOD IT IS TO LEARN FOREIGN LANGUAGES
A vixen is walking around a bush and suddenly he hears a hen wailing: "ko ko ko". “Ha, it will be a good lunch for me“. And jumps into the bush. After a while of swishing and rumbling a wulf gets off the bush saying: “Oh, how good it is to learn foreign languages“.
The Little Green Fool Frog
A bear is organizing a trip of animals to the Alps mountains. He calls the animals to a meeting before that and instructs them:
“Dear animals! We will go to the Alps mountains!“
and a little green frog replies:
“Ah, why just to the Alps? I wanted to go to the Tatras!“ (a Slovakian mountain range, very popular with the Czechs)
And the bear emphasizes We will go to the Alps and we will go by bus!!“
“Ah, why just by bus? I wanted to go by train!!“
The bear hits an old tree stump and grumbles aloud: “We will go to the Alps and we will go by bus and we will go at six in the morning!!!“
“Ah, why just at six? I wanted to go at eight!!!“
And the bear destroys the old tree stump and cries: “And the little green fool will stay at home!!!!“
“Ah, why just crocodile? He was looking forward to it so much?!?!?!?!
“Dear animals! We will go to the Alps mountains!“
and a little green frog replies:
“Ah, why just to the Alps? I wanted to go to the Tatras!“ (a Slovakian mountain range, very popular with the Czechs)
And the bear emphasizes We will go to the Alps and we will go by bus!!“
“Ah, why just by bus? I wanted to go by train!!“
The bear hits an old tree stump and grumbles aloud: “We will go to the Alps and we will go by bus and we will go at six in the morning!!!“
“Ah, why just at six? I wanted to go at eight!!!“
And the bear destroys the old tree stump and cries: “And the little green fool will stay at home!!!!“
“Ah, why just crocodile? He was looking forward to it so much?!?!?!?!
Lost husband and a cat
A woman brings home a new pet-cat. Her husband has a quarrel with her about that and cries that the animal will go off the house and he can’t stand it. So he takes the poor cat and takes hiom into the park away from the house. When he returns home the cat is sitting in front of the door. The man gets angry, takes the cat into the car and takes him behind the town and leaves him in the fields. When he returns home the cat is sitting in front of the door again. So the man gets mad and takes the bloody cat two hundreds kilometres away and leaves him in a swamp.
Well, after some time he calls his wife by a mobile and asks: „is the cat at home?“
„Oh, yes he came a while ago.“
„Give him the phone, the hell. I got lost!“
Well, after some time he calls his wife by a mobile and asks: „is the cat at home?“
„Oh, yes he came a while ago.“
„Give him the phone, the hell. I got lost!“
Noah (the biblical person) and friends on the Facebook
A bear meets a dinosaurus and asks him:
“Did Noah put you to the friends in his facebook?“
“No?!“
“Oh dear, that’s bad for you!“ answers the bear. :-(
“Did Noah put you to the friends in his facebook?“
“No?!“
“Oh dear, that’s bad for you!“ answers the bear. :-(
A Bear and Apples
A bear climbs a tree and a hare sees him and asks: “Why are you climbing the tree?“
“I am going to eat apples.“
“But it’s a birch!?“
“It does not matter, I am having some apples with me“.
“I am going to eat apples.“
“But it’s a birch!?“
“It does not matter, I am having some apples with me“.
Not Sleeping Bear
An angry bear walks through a forest in winter and furiously kiks a tree here and a hare there and slaps a wulf and murmurs: “Oh, why, the hell, did I drank the coffee in September?“
Clever Parrots
A man wants to buy a parrot and so he goes to a pet-shop. There are some parrots for sale. After a while of choosing he asks the shop assistant:
"Why is this one so expensive?"
"Well, he can speak French."
"Oh, and this one even more expensive! What does it know?"
Well, he can speak, French and German!"
Ooooh, and what about this little one, the most expensive! How many languages does he speak?"
"No one! That's the commander of the others!"
"Why is this one so expensive?"
"Well, he can speak French."
"Oh, and this one even more expensive! What does it know?"
Well, he can speak, French and German!"
Ooooh, and what about this little one, the most expensive! How many languages does he speak?"
"No one! That's the commander of the others!"
A Bunny on a Motorbike
A bunny is going on a motorbike and meets a bear and offers him. “Would you like to go with me?“
“Oh, yes“. Driving at the speed of 60km/h the bunny asks the bear. “Are you afraid?“
“No, of course“. Increasing the speed to 100km/h the bunny asks him again if he is afraid. “Oh, no“.
And at the sped of 140km/h the bear still answers no, and the bunny says.
“But you should, I cannot reach the brake pedal .“
“Oh, yes“. Driving at the speed of 60km/h the bunny asks the bear. “Are you afraid?“
“No, of course“. Increasing the speed to 100km/h the bunny asks him again if he is afraid. “Oh, no“.
And at the sped of 140km/h the bear still answers no, and the bunny says.
“But you should, I cannot reach the brake pedal .“
Three Vampires
Three vampires are hanged in a shelter. One of them flies away and gets back soon with his mouth dirty of blood. The others ask him what he was doing.
“Well, can you see that dead dog there? I sucked it.“
In a while another vampire flies away and gets back with whole his face red of blood.
“What were you doing?“
“ Well, can you see that dead cow there? I sucked it.“
And finally the last vampire flies away and very shortly gets back having all the body dirty of blood. “What the hell you were doing?“
“Oh, can you see that lamppost there?“
“Yes, we can.“
“I couldn’t“.
“Well, can you see that dead dog there? I sucked it.“
In a while another vampire flies away and gets back with whole his face red of blood.
“What were you doing?“
“ Well, can you see that dead cow there? I sucked it.“
And finally the last vampire flies away and very shortly gets back having all the body dirty of blood. “What the hell you were doing?“
“Oh, can you see that lamppost there?“
“Yes, we can.“
“I couldn’t“.
Religious Lion and a Hunter
A hunter is hunting for lions in Africa when suddenly a lion appears in front of him. So the hunter points the rifle at the lion but it doesn’t shoot.
„I forgot the cartridges“. So he kneels and pleases the God:
“Oh God! Give that animal Christian ideas!“
And surprisingly the lion kneels as well saying:
“Oh God! Bless that food I am going to eat!“
„I forgot the cartridges“. So he kneels and pleases the God:
“Oh God! Give that animal Christian ideas!“
And surprisingly the lion kneels as well saying:
“Oh God! Bless that food I am going to eat!“
A pig falls from a roof......... speck!!!
A shrimp to another shrimp: " you know I'm very worried ... my mother said she was going to a cocktail and she isn't back yet!!!
how can you take a huge elephant out of a lake?..... wet :)
How can four elephants go to the beach on a 500? they can wait for other 496 elephants!!!
two people talking:
- this place is full of mosquitoes!!!!!
- oh yes it's true! I have already killed eight!! four females and four males!!
- really?! How do you know their sex??
- oh it's easy!!!! the males were on the whisky bottle, the females in front of the mirror!!!
A horse walked into a bar and the bartender asked: " why such a long face?"
One missioner in the middle of the jungle runs into a lion and the lion kneels down in front of him. The missioner says "Miracle!!!" And suddenly he hears the lion saying" Thanks god for today's food!!!"