Jokes About Marriage, Love, Husbands, Wives, Cuckoldry, etc.
Can You See the Scales
A woman is standing on the scales. Her husband asks her:
- Do you thing it will help if you pull in your stomach?
- Of course, it will. I will see the scales …
- Do you thing it will help if you pull in your stomach?
- Of course, it will. I will see the scales …
Help Mother in Law
- Can I take a day off to help my mother-in-law?
- Absolutely not.
- Thank you, I can always count on you.
- Absolutely not.
- Thank you, I can always count on you.
A drunken Johnny is wandering around the square for sextons and meets a priest.
The priest says:
- Johnny, when will you get married?
- Right after you.
The priest says:
- Johnny, when will you get married?
- Right after you.
Wife to husband:
- Honey, do you know that mom was yesterday at this famous dentist?
- Yes? A what for? Did he cleaned /patencied her venom ducts /canals?
- Honey, do you know that mom was yesterday at this famous dentist?
- Yes? A what for? Did he cleaned /patencied her venom ducts /canals?
The twins are back from school and cry from the doorway:
- Mom, Mom! Won a class competition, "Whose mother is most beautiful?". Everyone voted for their own mother, and you got two votes ...
- Mom, Mom! Won a class competition, "Whose mother is most beautiful?". Everyone voted for their own mother, and you got two votes ...
The wife says to her husband:
- Tadek, why do you look at me like that?
- How? - asks he.
- Cold ...
- Are you surprised? I'm in the right eye minus three, and left minus five.
- Tadek, why do you look at me like that?
- How? - asks he.
- Cold ...
- Are you surprised? I'm in the right eye minus three, and left minus five.
One men is calling to the hospital:
- Doctor, please come to my wife! -shouts he.
- And what's wrong with her? - asks the doctor.
- I do not know, but she is so weak that I had even to take her to the kitchen to do my breakfast.
- Doctor, please come to my wife! -shouts he.
- And what's wrong with her? - asks the doctor.
- I do not know, but she is so weak that I had even to take her to the kitchen to do my breakfast.
The guy calls the confectionery:
- I wanted to order a birthday cake for my wife.
- How many candles should we put on it?
- 26 - as usual.
- I wanted to order a birthday cake for my wife.
- How many candles should we put on it?
- 26 - as usual.
A man and his wife entered a dentist`s office.
The wife said, `I want a tooth pulled. I don`t want gas or Novocain because I`m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.`
`You`re a brave woman,` said the dentist. `Now, show me which tooth it is.`
The wife turns to her husband and says: `Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.`
The wife said, `I want a tooth pulled. I don`t want gas or Novocain because I`m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.`
`You`re a brave woman,` said the dentist. `Now, show me which tooth it is.`
The wife turns to her husband and says: `Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.`
.
A mother-in-law is riding a bike.
A son-in-law asks:
- Where are you going?
- To the cemetery.
- But who will bring the bike?
A son-in-law asks:
- Where are you going?
- To the cemetery.
- But who will bring the bike?
What is the secret of a perfect marriage?
a deaf husband and a dumb wife!!!!
a deaf husband and a dumb wife!!!!
A conversation between two men:
- I hate going to the cinema!!
-Why?
-There is always an old lady sitting next to me crunching nuts all time and I can't understand anything about the film!
- Why don't you change your seat?
- I can't!! She's my wife!!
- I hate going to the cinema!!
-Why?
-There is always an old lady sitting next to me crunching nuts all time and I can't understand anything about the film!
- Why don't you change your seat?
- I can't!! She's my wife!!
A carabiniere is crying desperately sitting near a tomb and always repeats: How could you do this to me? You didn't need to die you didn't!
And cries,and cries.
A passer by gets closer and whispering asks him: I'm really sorry. Who is buried here? Maybe your son?
-No, no- crying -my wife's first husband!!!!
And cries,and cries.
A passer by gets closer and whispering asks him: I'm really sorry. Who is buried here? Maybe your son?
-No, no- crying -my wife's first husband!!!!
A furious husband to wife:
But how was it possible you got into the bedroom in your car?!
Oh it's easy when I was in the kitchen I turned left!!!
But how was it possible you got into the bedroom in your car?!
Oh it's easy when I was in the kitchen I turned left!!!
Two husbands in a hospital
-Why are you here? What happened?
-You know, I didn't want to buy a car to my wife....and you?Why are you here?
- I bought it!!
-Why are you here? What happened?
-You know, I didn't want to buy a car to my wife....and you?Why are you here?
- I bought it!!
A child to his dad: "Daddy, where are the Alps? Don't ask me!! I really don't know!
Ask your mother she is the one who always tidies everything up at home!
Ask your mother she is the one who always tidies everything up at home!
Husband asks: <<Do you know the meaning of "wife"?
It means "Without information fighting everytime">>
Wife replices: <<No, it means "With idiot forever">>.
It means "Without information fighting everytime">>
Wife replices: <<No, it means "With idiot forever">>.
Anger Management!
Husband: "When I get angry with you, you never fight back. How can you control your anger? So well?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet"
Husband: "How does that help"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush"
Husband: "When I get angry with you, you never fight back. How can you control your anger? So well?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet"
Husband: "How does that help"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush"
A little boy takes part to a wedding party for the first time and he asks to his mother: "Mum, why is the bride dressed in white?"
his mum replies: " Because she is very very happy!!!!" the little boy asks another question to his dad " Dad!! Why is the groom dressed all in black? " because today it's his funeral!!!!
to prove his love to his wife a man swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain . she divorced him. why?! he was never at home !!!!!
his mum replies: " Because she is very very happy!!!!" the little boy asks another question to his dad " Dad!! Why is the groom dressed all in black? " because today it's his funeral!!!!
to prove his love to his wife a man swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain . she divorced him. why?! he was never at home !!!!!
Hands off Madam
The next day after a party a man gets up in delirium tremens, but at his bed he sees his trousers perfectly ironed, the shirt as well ad so a tie. In the kitchen he sees finely prepared breakfast at his chair and newspaper and his son having breakfast.
So he asks: "what’s all that, what happened at night? I do not remember anything!"
"Well dady", said son, "you came drunken as an old sailor, broke in through the door, threw in the hall, damaged a chair in the kitchen".
"Oh, good heavens! And what about mum?!?"
"Well, when she tried to strip you down before getting to bed you said":
“Hands off madam, I am happily married!“
So he asks: "what’s all that, what happened at night? I do not remember anything!"
"Well dady", said son, "you came drunken as an old sailor, broke in through the door, threw in the hall, damaged a chair in the kitchen".
"Oh, good heavens! And what about mum?!?"
"Well, when she tried to strip you down before getting to bed you said":
“Hands off madam, I am happily married!“
Angel Servant
Mum! Do angels fly? Asks a little boy.
Yes!
All of them?
Yes!?
So, why can't our servant girl fly then?
What do you mean?
Father always calls her "my angel".
Wait my dear! I will make both of them fly right now!"
Yes!
All of them?
Yes!?
So, why can't our servant girl fly then?
What do you mean?
Father always calls her "my angel".
Wait my dear! I will make both of them fly right now!"
A Happy Dog
A young newly married husband tells his mother in law how he is happy with her daughtr and how he was not very successful with girls in the past.
"If also that girl (his wife now) had broken off with me, I would have bought a dog!"
:-) "Well", replies the mother in law, "the dog was happy!"
"If also that girl (his wife now) had broken off with me, I would have bought a dog!"
:-) "Well", replies the mother in law, "the dog was happy!"
You Must Be Happy
Two friens meet after a time and one says: “I got married!“
And the other replies: “Oh, you must be happy“.
And the former: “Yes, I must.“
And the other replies: “Oh, you must be happy“.
And the former: “Yes, I must.“
Why Is a Dog Better than Wife
Well, the more the later you come home from a pub, a dog greets you in the same way as if you came from a parliament or from a prison, does not quarrel if there is a mess on the ground, his parents do not visit you, if you call the dog the wrong name he/she does not quarrel, . . . "
If I Won Some Money in a Lotery
A wife asks her husband: “ What would you do if I won a lot of money in a lotery?“
The husband answers: “I would take half of the money and moved somewhere very far away.“
And the Wife replies: “OK! I won 36 crowns (worth one loaf of bread), so take the half and get out!“
The husband answers: “I would take half of the money and moved somewhere very far away.“
And the Wife replies: “OK! I won 36 crowns (worth one loaf of bread), so take the half and get out!“
How a Man Was Made a Millionaire
Two women are having a talk and one of them says: “I made my husband a millionaire.
And the other asks: "Good heavens! How?"
“Well, he used to be a billionaire, and I went shopping yesterday :-) . . . .“
And the other asks: "Good heavens! How?"
“Well, he used to be a billionaire, and I went shopping yesterday :-) . . . .“
A Short visit of Mother in Law
Mother -in-law comes to a young family for a visit saying: "hi, dears I'm going to see you only for a very short while not to bother you even a little time" And son-in-law replies: "What a pity mother you won't drink even a cup of coffe with us".
Mother in Law at the Hospital
“Doctor, how does it look like with my mother in law? Is there any hope?“
“Well sir, it depends on what you consider to be a good piece of information.“
“Well sir, it depends on what you consider to be a good piece of information.“